Welcome back to PRIMED for ADHD. I'm Andrea Toole, ADHD coach and educator.
This is season 2, episode 10: The penultimate episode of the season.
This season has explored what happens when ADHD in midlife collides with hormonal shifts, changing identity, and increasing responsibility, and why the strategies that once held everything together start to break down. This podcast has moved beyond productivity advice to look at structure, support, relationships, and power, so you can understand what’s changing and respond without defaulting to overwork or self-blame.
This episode is different.
I turned 50 earlier this month, and instead of a teaching episode, I'm doing something I’m less comfortable with: talking about myself and my ADHD story. Not the framework, not the research. Where it started, what it looked like, and what I know now that I didn't know at 30.
If you've been listening this season, you'll recognize pieces of this. Because in some version, it's probably your story too.
You know those stories that families tell for years? The ones that not everyone remembers, but that you remember remembering? Here’s one:
One early morning — I must have been somewhere between the ages of three and five — I pulled bowls and dried goods out of the kitchen cabinets and sat down on the floor.
I remember rice, thinking I was in big trouble, and I remember the punchline to the story.
I could have asked my mom what she remembers about the incident before I scripted this episode, but honestly, it feels more fun not to. I might be making stuff up and not realize it, but I remember the key points.
The story my family tells is that my mother walked into the kitchen, found a disaster, and asked me what I was doing.
I told her I was baking a cake.
And then — the line that became family legend — I added in a scared little voice because I was sure I was in for a spanking: "But I didn't touch the mozzarella."
As if that was the part that needed clarifying.
I thought I’d get in trouble for using the cheese, and so I didn’t use it. It makes complete sense, right?
I vaguely remember that years later, my mom told me that it was one of those parenting moments of being angry and amused at the same time.
My family tells that story as evidence of how mischievous I was. The troublemaker. In Yiddish, I’d be called a “Mazik”, a term often used affectionately to describe a rambunctious child, but I don’t remember if they actually called me that.
My mozzarella line might have been innate rejection sensitive dysphoria. Not a learned ADHD nervous system reaction, but a trait that comes from being sensitive and curious from a young age.
I think the story demonstrates the earliest evidence of how my brain works.
A child completely absorbed in her own logic. Fully committed to a project no one asked for. Unconcerned with the mess. And very clear, in her own mind, about what she had and hadn't done wrong, perhaps experiencing RSD.
Hey, the mozzarella was safe from my project.
I have two other early memories that fit the same pattern. Neither is a one-off, but just how I was.
Sitting in front of the television, absorbed in the Poka-dot-door, Sesame Street, or whatever, completely unaware that my mother was speaking to me or trying to get my attention.
This is hyperfocus.
And the hyperactivity. I was a physically restless kid — always moving, always bouncing.
Procrastination. Putting off homework until the last possible moment, then scrambling. Kids do that, it’s not only an ADHD thing, but it is an ADHD thing.
ADHD wasn’t widely known about or understood yet. If we knew then what we know now, it would be obvious. Nobody had a name for it yet.
People think that ADHD is one thing, but as I once heard a top expert say, “If you’ve met one person with ADHD, you’ve met one person with ADHD.”
In my 20s, ADHD was suggested to me. I spent years reading, researching, and trying to understand it, long before I had a formal diagnosis.
When I read message boards about ADHD, I'm reminded that it looks different in everyone and exists on a spectrum that isn't widely recognized or talked about.
My ADHD has never been constant.
It flares, and then it quiets. I notice what I call my “flare-ups,” and I’m sure there are times I don’t notice my ADHD when others do. I can forget I have ADHD, which is my experience and might not be yours. Maybe I just get so used to it that I no longer notice it, even on some more intense ADHD days.
The level of daily impairment some people describe in Facebook groups and subreddits is not my experience.
My ADHD qualities were more pronounced in childhood. They still show up, but they’ve changed over time.
Some days are harder than others. It ebbs and flows. That’s what I mean by flare-ups.
Our environment, our lifestyle and our habits have a huge impact on it.
In 2017, I was in a toxic work situation. I hadn't taken care of myself properly in the months before it. Once I was in that crushing role, I didn't have the energy for self-care either. It became a cycle — and eventually, a cautionary tale.
That’s how I conceived my signature ADHD management framework. The PRIMED framework came from a severe flare-up after years of relative quiet. My ADHD traits were probably there, but I didn’t notice them. My quality of life didn’t suffer.
When I looked at what was different between the quiet periods and that hell I was experiencing, the answer became the framework. The discomfort clarified it.
Exercise, healthy eating, hydration and taking my supplements, mental state, environment, and rest became “physical activity, routine, intake, mental state, environment and downtime.” An acronym. PRIMED.
Fast forward a few years.
Forty-nine was harder than fifty. The unmet expectations. The dreams not achieved. The “I thought that by the time I was 49 I’d…” statements.
In the months leading up to my 50th birthday, the number didn’t feel true. Like I was lying to myself about my age. I didn’t feel 50, or even 49. I felt younger.
When I thought of 50, I appreciated the wisdom, experience and perspective I’ve gained.
I’ve been using the phrase “midlife awakening” for a few years now.
“Midlife Awakening” is about self-discovery in midlife.
Noticing patterns and trying to break them.
Noticing the stories I tell myself out of self-protection or fear, and then acknowledging that they’re not true until they’re confirmed true.
Learning from experience without carrying its weight.
Healing wounds.
Emerging into my midlife identity strong.
Seeing more clearly what was already there. My strength. My resilience. My creativity. My intelligence. My joy. My energy.
Believing people when they tell me I have good energy.
At 50, I’m more self-aware. I feel good about where I’m headed.
Here’s where I want to talk about what I know now, in the context of ADHD that I didn’t know even a few years ago.
In a word: hormones.
I wouldn’t have believed at 30 that hormones would significantly affect ADHD. Ten years ago, this wasn’t part of the conversation. Now it is.
In the past year, I’ve written a couple of blog posts about it. Still, until I did more research into perimenopause and ADHD for this podcast, it didn't occur to me that when I sought an updated assessment and prescription, I should have looked for a healthcare provider with experience in hormonal issues. I wish I’d asked the practitioner I worked with if he had such experience.
Perimenopause can look like ADHD when it isn’t. And ADHD can change in ways that aren’t immediately obvious when hormones shift. Changes in hormones can affect the efficacy of both stimulant and non-stimulant medications.
That matters for diagnosis. It matters for treatment. And it matters for how you interpret what’s happening in your own brain.
If you’re in your mid-thirties or beyond and navigating ADHD, this is something to pay attention to.
Find a provider who understands both. Not just ADHD, not just hormones. Both.
Because if those two systems are being treated separately, something is likely being missed.
I built a framework and a coaching practice out of understanding my own brain.
At 50, I’m still learning things about it. The framework evolves.
Always be learning and adapting.
If this episode resonated, follow or subscribe to PRIMED for ADHD wherever you're listening. If you're on Apple, a rating or review helps more than you might think.
Next week is the Season 2 finale — and instead of introducing new material, I'm pulling the thread that ran through all of it. Because there was one, and it's worth naming before we close the season.
Thanks for listening.
You've got this, and I've got you.
